I had my 38 week appointment today and it was my first cervical check. It was like a scene out of a stupid comedy. I was nekkid in the room for like 20 minutes, and in walked a third year intern, AKA little kid. He asked me the usual questions, and then told me to lie back so he can feel for the position of the baby. He manhandled my belly for a bit, then got out the Doppler thing. Because he’s just a freaking kid he fumbled forever and couldn’t find the heartbeat. I wasn’t worried because he was looking in the wrong spots and I knew it, but who am I to instruct a medical student? Because I was lying on my back for so long I started to get dizzy and when I get dizzy I get sweaty. I told him I had to sit up, and then he left the room to get the doctor. While he was gone, I realized that my sweaty ass was stuck to the paper and it had broken off into little wet pieces on my ass. Embarrassing! And funny! So Doogie walked back in with my OB and he had his turn first. It hurt briefly, but then it didn’t. He hung around in there for a while and I wanted to ask him if he was going to bake a fucking cake in there. The OB said, “Okay, that’s all the time you get, you’re taking too long.” So in goes the expert - seemingly to her elbows - and I physically recoiled and exclaimed, “WOW, that’s not comfortable at all. OW.” I have never had a cervical check before so I have nothing to compare it to, but I think she swept my membranes without asking my permission. “We’re trying to get things moving!” I don’t want to get things moving. My last day of work is tomorrow and the last few months have been torturous, so I was looking forward to having a little time to myself before the baby comes. If I go into labor I am going to choke a bitch. It’s the two hour premiere of Survivor tonight, dammit! Heh.

In any case, I am dilated to 2. I know that I can remain that way for weeks, so I’m not too worried about it. Though, it is a little unnerving to go to the washroom and see blood after not seeing it for so long. I also feel crampy, but I know that’s also normal. Stay in there, Gertie!